The Hazards of Too Much Cake
by denise1
Summary: A fun spoofy fic


The Hazards of Too Much Cake

By

Denise

Sam stared in the mirror, watching as Janet fussed with the veil, fluffing and primping the tulle until it lay 'just right'. "You know, it's too bad you didn't want to wait a few months and grow your hair out a bit. Not that it's not nice the way it is, but you would look fantastic in a French twist," she remarked, primping Sam's hair.

"I couldn't wait," Sam said, smoothing down the cream colored satin of her floor length gown, her hand lingering over her abdomen.

"True. They did have to alter the dress twice already. Another month and you won't have any grow room left," her friend said, abandoning Sam's veil and turning her ministrations to herself, straightening the ribbons on her dress uniform.

One advantage to the military theme, she thought, at least she wasn't going to have another ugly bridesmaid dress moldering away in her closet.

There was a knock and the door slowly opened. "Sam? It's time," Jacob said, stepping into the room. "You look beautiful."

She turned, smiling at the sight of her father in his dress uniform. "You think so?" she asked nervously, fighting the urge to wipe her suddenly sweaty hands on the dress. It was her future mother in law's and she didn't dare stain the delicate material.

"I know so." He stepped forward and gave her a peck on the cheek. "Ready to go?" She nodded and he reached behind her, pulling a piece of the veil forward to shroud her face.

Serenaded by strains of organ music, father and daughter followed Janet down the short hall to the sanctuary. They paused in the back as Janet processed to the front. Sam scanned the pews, trying to identify all the guests. They'd wanted a small wedding, but six years of saving the galaxy a few times created a very long guest list.

Every member of the SGC was present, as were many of the academy professors. She could see the tell tale beige of various Tok'ra scattered among dozens of aliens. Tupelo and Melosha sat next to Nya and Abu who were fussing over their young son. Lya and Nafreau sat beside Gairwin and her new husband. Ry'ac and Cassandra were chatting animatedly while the Gamekeeper and Bra'tac debated the merits of hats vs. skullcaps. Roham and Lenore pointed out things to Charlie while Merrin studied Aris' armor.

Urgo and Togar sat by themselves, as did the half dozen or so Asgard, all pointedly ignoring Martin who was bustling around directing his film crew. Loren, Hailey and Tyler all sat together, playing rock, paper, scissors.

The music changed and they started down the aisle. All the guests blurred into a Technicolor mosaic as Sam focused on the man waiting at the altar. She smiled at the sight of his trim figure attired in a black tuxedo. Her heart started to race as she got closer. This is it, it's really happening, she thought, fighting the urge to pinch herself. After all the hardships, he was finally going to be hers. No more hiding what they felt, no more denying the attraction. She'd finally found her soulmate.

Keeping her eyes downcast, she stopped by her soon to be husband's side and felt him take her hand as Jacob let go, stepping back.

Her groom squeezed her hand reassuringly and she smiled, glad to see the loving look on his face.

"Turn to face me," the officiate said. Sam turned, smiling at General Hammond, the brilliant sunlight filtering in through the chapel windows, making his head glint merrily.

The rest of the ceremony was a blur and the next thing she knew her new husband was lifting the veil. She closed her eyes, ready for her first kiss. When the expected kiss didn't come, she opened her eyes, frowning a bit. "Sorry, hon. But this is how I find you sexy." He reached behind him and pulled out a starched white hospital gown with the words 'Just Married' stenciled on the front. "Would you like to change into something more comfortable, my little whack job?"

Sam stared in horror at the gown, then at her husband's smiling face. "I hope you ordered from the right caterer, can't have a hypoglycemic reaction on our wedding night," he said, waggling his eyebrow suggestively.

Sam turned to her teammates, sitting in the front row. "Guys?" she begged. Teal'c and Jonas were sharing a fruit plate and feeding each other grapes while Jack was fiddling with the cover on his watch.

"Carter, is this almost over? I got a plane to catch."

"They want to be alone," one of the guests said.

"Why?" Thor asked.

"They want to reproduce," Heimdall said, hopping up and down, clapping his/her hands merrily. "I wonder if they'll let us watch?'

"Ewwe," Thor said, wrinkling his face so hard his eyes disappeared. "And we thought they were an advanced species."

Guest after guest disappeared in flashes of light or simply walked out the back of the sanctuary. Jack, Jonas and Teal'c got to their feet and started to leave.

"Guys? Where are you going? You're not going to leave me here…with him! Guys!" She started to run after them, only to get pulled back by Rodney's hand.

"Samantha, this is your husband. You're playing the blushing bride role a bit over the top. Could you get serious please? And could you put this on so you can admit that you find me incredibly attractive." He reached out, grabbed the bodice of her dress and pulled, ripping the fragile material. Feeling a cool draft she looked down and screamed…..

She sat up, her heart pounding, her wide eyes scanning the room. The TV was on, its volume low and she could see that it was dark outside. A flash of movement caught her eyes and she turned to see Jack walking into the room, carrying a glass of iced tea. "Hey, you ok?" he asked, coming to stand beside her.

"Yeah," she replied, reaching out to snag the glass. She gulped down half the liquid before handing it back to him, ignoring his raised eyebrow. "I just had the weirdest dream," she said.

"A little post electrocution brain damage?" he asked, sitting beside her.

She rolled her eyes and slumped back against the cushions absently fiddling with the slightly stained gauze covering her burn. "Where's Teal'c?" she asked.

"He's outside with Jonas doing …something," Jack said.

Sam nodded then sighed. "It's late, I should go," she said, standing up.

"I got a spare room, you could stay," he offered.

"My pajamas are at home," she responded.

"You can't go yet," he protested, reaching out and pulling her to her feet.

"Sir, it's late and I really should go."

"Why? Afraid to be alone with me?"

"What? No, it's just…the rumors finally stopped. Why risk getting them started again? Where are we going?" She asked as he opened a door and guided her down to his basement.

"I've got a surprise," he said cryptically. "Close your eyes."

"I'm not…"

"Oh for crying out loud! Do you have to be so difficult?" He reached out and put his hand over her eyes.

"Sir…"

"Just a second…ok, now!" He pulled his hand away and she blinked furiously, trying to clear her vision. Standing before her was something she never thought she'd see again. "Cool, huh?" he enthused, leaving her side and walking to the object. He ran his hand up and down the rough surface. "I got it all figured out. You make em, I'll sell em," he said, referring to the miniature stargate that Orlin had made in her basement. "We'll call it Gateway. Have our own little company. I figure you can crank out two or three of these a day, maybe more once we get some help. Teal'c can be security, Jonas is prime salesman material, he's got the smiling part down…" He rambled on as she walked forward, staring at the gate. How had he gotten it into his basement? "It might cause a world wide shortage of toasters but….heck I can live with it. Whatta ya think?"

"That's what I'm here for? To make you a stargate?" She demanded, her voice rising.

He frowned, seemingly puzzled by her behavior. "What? You think we keep you around for your looks?"

Sam sat up, her feet kicking at the quilt lying over her lap. Her mind still befuddled with sleep she looked around, breathing a sigh of relief when she realized that she was home, safely in her living room. "Ow," she said, giving herself a vicious pinch. Ok, it was real this time. Spying the remains of her 'dinner' on the table, she tossed back the quilt and picked up the remains of the meal.

Padding to the kitchen, she made her way to the sink and ruthlessly used a discarded fork to scrape the remains of a frozen Sara Lee cake down the disposal. "I've had weird dreams before, but that one takes the cake."

Fin


End file.
